Six Things Not To Write If You Write About Music

1. There was only one Lester Bangs. You are not him. You will not be him. Find your own voice/and style.

Don’t write: “And I was tweeking the buzz and felt that sound come over me like a giant meatball squish squishing through a mud track to nirvana or is it Nirvana?”

2. Don’t compare what you hear to anything common. I know it’s a stretch. It requires some creativity, some direct listening, but if you make an effort you can do it. If you say something ‘sounds like X,’ then we’ll think of ‘X’ first and not give the new band a chance on its own. Don’t tell us what it’s like. Tell us what it IS.

Don’t write: “It’s like an updated version of the Doors with Jello Biafra sitting in for Jim Morrison.”

3. Even worse than comparing a new band to a familiar band is comparing it to an obscure band. Yeah, we know you’ve listened to every MP that’s ever been MP3-ed and you’re wetting your pants to prove it. BFD. If you want to tell us about the obscure, just do it. Using an unknown band for comparison is worse than using a famous band. Comparing the obscure to the obscure doesn’t impress anyone. It just makes us turn the page.

Don’t write: “The Beard Boogers sound like the Pubic Unknowns with the horns mixed a bit more up-front and a rhythm section reminiscent of Naval Lint.”

4. If you love music, you should promote it. If you hate music, I suggest you try a different vocation. Of course you shouldn’t blindly love everything that comes your way, but you should realize everything that you hear takes time and effort and deserves some time and effort in return. Nothing except shit is pure shit. And even then, you can always find a kernel of corn in the offal. A purely negative review means you’re lazy—or squeamish. Your dainty little fingers didn’t want to get themselves dirty by sifting through the shit. Your verbal pooper-scooper packs away the whole kit and caboodle, weeks—maybe even months—of work, and just dumps it in the nearest litter bin (it should happen to your writing). Find something to like in everything.

Don’t write: “The Bigamists’ newest release is not worth the electrons it’s recorded on. It is a jumble of worthless crap…”

5. Be more of a con man than a whore. I know, you’re in the biz for the perks. You expect backstage passes and blowjobs. More likely you’ll get a free admission and comp CD… occasionally. You may even get a press kit or two. Take ‘em. If you like the band, keep ‘em. If you don’t like the band, sell the CDs on Amazon or GEMM.com. You’re entitled. But don’t write to get records to fill the empty slots in your collection. Write to inform (and maybe entertain) your readers. Don’t write: “And the band’s promo-Goddess, Sylvia Goldstein, was a woman among women. She could have starred in her own band. What a gal! She blessed me with not one but TWO copies of the band’s latest CD—and I got the vinyl and an exclusive interview you’ll see next issue.”

6. Finally, don’t write to review yourself… unless you’ve got the personality to pull it off (Jim Hayes can do it. Otherwise, see rule number one).

People don’t want to read about how you palled around with semi-famous people and how they fawned over your genius. Jerk off in private, please! Don’t write: “So Billy Joe says to me, ‘Hey, you know I really have you to thank for putting the GREEN in GREEN DAY.’ I tell him, shucks it was nothing, but he insists on buying me a drink. So I’m sitting there getting drunk with B.J. and then Billy Joel comes up to me and says, ‘Hey, Sammy, you know I really have you to thank for putting the WOMAN in “SHE’S ONLY A WOMAN TO ME.”’ And he’s right too. Did you know that song was originally going to be “She’s Only a Wombat to Me”? I am the one who suggested to B.J. (the other B.J.) that he change it to WOMAN.”

Okay, that’s it. You’re free to violate any of these rules if you think you can get away with it. You probably can’t, but that’s how you learn. Send me copies of any extra CDs or vinyl you score. I’ll take tickets too, to anything in New York. As for the blowjobs… good luck! If you get one, send me the video. See you in Hell… or your local weekly, whichever comes first.

MYKEL BOARD, contrarian and columnist—Maximum RocknRoll in Popmatters.

[this says it all better than I ever could … xoxo, michaela]